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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I'm Amazing Just the Way I am.

I'm a sucker for pop culture. No. Really, I am.

I once wrote a blog on the Bruno Mars' song Just The Way You Are and how I literally started to cry. It wasn't just simple tears-down-the-cheeks-crying but rather sobbing-uncontrollably-crying, and either way I was crying. 

It wasn't the crying that bothered me, it was that I wasn't really sure why I was crying. I blamed it mostly on the fact that I am a girl and get that way sometimes. Embarrassing, I know. But it happens.

SECRET SPOILER ON MY LIFE>>>>

I only remember it now because of a recent occurrence in my life. I was talking to a guy for a while. He really liked me and I liked him. He was 5 years older than me and had broken off an engagement. He was fairly settled in life as a teacher and seemed content with himself and where he was going, despite what had happened with his ex. He never really pressured me about being in a relationship but did wonder why it was so hard for me to talk about it. One day I literally had a "I can't breathe get me some air" panic attack. 

I ended things (maybe prematurely) and I'm trying to figure out why.

I have always thought of myself as more of an independent. I am not ready for a relationship (true) and I want to figure myself out a little more (whatever that means).

But something about that song gets to me. I started to picture someone, not necessarily anyone specific, but someone saying all these things to me and it made a knot form in the pit of my stomach. Just thinking that someone would think that I was perfect just the way I am and telling me in such an eloquent ballad was a heavy thought and I started to cry. It's beyond cheesy and cliche, I know, but it's the fact that I didn't really mind. As a matter of fact, I liked the idea.

Does that mean something?

I am not freaking out.

It's just that I am thinking about it… and this Bruno Mars song didn't help. Reading Twilight, all I wanted was an Edward and by New Moon all I wanted was a Jacob. I used to think that I could live happily alone and unattached, but after watching No Strings Attached,  I don't know that anymore.

All these things have added up and I have started to use my weight as an excuse not to date. Blah blah, I need to feel comfortable with myself, blah blah. Truth is it's all an excuse. My weight should have nothing to do with why I do or don’t date.

 So why am I not dating??  I have to ask  myself the big question "Am I an idealist or a realist".

I have always felt there are two kinds of guys in my life. The ones that I want but like me only as a friend and those that I don't want but want me. Waiting around for Mr. Right is something that I would never do. I think. But now that I am listening to this song I realize how many guys have I rejected because they weren't this or that? How many times did I not consider a relationship because he didn't go to school or he didn't have a certain job OR he's spoiled OR weird. My biggest fear used to be that I would end up settling for a guy I didn’t really like, that he would just be a suitable guy and that I would be ok with waiting to see if the spark developed. People do it all the time.

I tried to talk about it with my best friend. He said that I made settling down sound like such a bad thing. He said someone who does that could be happy for the rest of their life and there is nothing wrong with that. He said I made relationships sound like a death sentence, skipping steps jumping into the serious and that is not what relationships are always about. Some times it's about learning about yourself and trying to find what you can and can't live with.

SO, do I settle for that guy that doesn't bring a spark in my eye because he just happens to be a nice guy that thinks I fit??

Here is what I realized throughout my journey so far:

I AM AFRAID. They say it never hurts as bad as the first time. I've also realized this comes along because, knowingly or unknowingly you put up walls and barriers. These keep you from ever really putting yourself in the position of being hurt. To be honest I have only ever been hurt once, but it shook me pretty badly. Maybe this is why I'm 22 and I find myself "off" of love. This is fear nonetheless.

I THINK TOO MUCH. The fact that I wrote this blog says it all. But how many times do we over think things? This can keep you from reaching goals and just living life. You can't control life. It just happens. Just letting it happen can sometimes end up horribly, but sometimes it also works out in your favor. If you don't let it happen you may end up ending things too soon.

I OVER ANALYZE. I don't know what God has for me. There is nothing wrong with me wanting to have some kind of romantic notion, but simply put THERE IS NO UNDERLYING MESSAGE IN EVERY THING HE SAYS.   

I AM FRUSTRATED. I want so many things out of life. But I am finally reaching that brink of idealism versus that stupid realism. I hate my job. I know what you're thinking…who doesn’t? But there are a lot of people who don’t. I have to decide what I want to do with my life at 22. Because if I go down this career woman path (financially appealing) this inevitably means that a family of my own and a relationship will be significantly further out of reach. OR do I want to settle into a cozy little life, with a husband and kids?? It's weird but I realize I should think about these things.

My dad has been giving me some great advice lately. Weird, parents really do get smarter as you get older. He told me this story.

There was this little girl who when she was 9 read a magazine. It was a Christian magazine and there was a picture of a little boy. He was the son of missionaries and something about this little boy moved her.

She didn't know his name or anything about him, all she had was the picture and from that day on she prayed for him.

As she grew up she did well in school and got into a Christian college. Still she prayed for the little boy.

She met a boyfriend and eventually got married and even then she prayed for the little boy.

When she and her husband went to her in-laws to help clean out the garage she came across this magazine that they had kept.

She asked why they kept it and turned the pages.

It was the same magazine that had the picture of the little boy she prayed for all those years.

Her husband turned to her and said you know my parents are missionaries. That little boy is me.

As tears filled her eyes she said "I didn't know this was you".

As she told him the story she realized the little boy she prayed for her whole life had been the very man she married.

My dad said "God does things for us and brings people into our lives. It's up to us to not be afraid and to let things happen. We can't over think or over analyze. We have to just trust that God knows what he's doing. We don't judge people and we don't put stipulations on everything. Every person in your life may be there for you to help or for them to help you. We don't know. So quit worrying. Let life happen. Just live."

Songs like this, books like Twilight and even those stupid airports (where you have to walk down long terminals with Christmas music blaring over the intercom, knowing the love of your life isn't picking you up or missing you but rather your little brother is there to get your bag and you're dad is waiting outside in the car) make you realize maybe you're just lonely and afraid of what is really waiting for you. And no matter the state of your career or your weight your fear is an excuse.

I am perfect the way I am and I really believe that.

I rejected the idea of loosing weight for a guy and know it's to my health and the person that I want to be.

 Is it wrong for me to believe there truly is someone out there for everyone and that if I am more open and realistic with myself and the world that I increase the chances of finding him?

I don't think so.
Current Weight: 210 lbs
Workout Song: Bruno Mars, Just the Way You Are

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

1 comment:

  1. Wow! Its kind of scary how much we have in common. I'm reading this and thinking I have those same thoughts and feelings. And yes that song by Bruno Mars has made me cry!

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