I know that it has been a while since I've last seen or heard from you. I really appreciate the email you sent me. It's so nice to hear from you and I must say that time is treating you well. It must be hard where you are. But we have to remember that God has a plan for us all. If we follow and listen to him then we are where we are supposed to be. He will bless you, but that comes with patience and time. I know, easier than said than done, huh?
I think we all doubt ourselves sometimes. I know that I do. There are days that I wake up and I just feel like I can't do anything right. That I'm not supposed to be here. That I didn’t listen to God and I'm just lost in myself trying to do what I want.
Change, in any form is difficult. No one ever looked you in the eye and said "this new journey will be easy and you'll do everything right." If they did they lied. As humans we have a natural reaction to resist change. I think that's what's happening to you now.
There was a point in my life where I looked at myself in the mirror and I felt helpless. I looked at myself and said "This is as good as it gets". I will always be this lost person, unsure and insecure.
I've learned that when I feel that way to pray the following:
Dear Heavenly Father,
Be with me. Lead me. Take me to your will. Comfort me in my struggles. Ease my worries. Ease me, Lord. I am trusting you in all that I do. I am trusting you with all my heart. My faith is in you. I am leaning on you. Lord, show me your will for me. Show me, Father. You will provide and you take care of me. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for all that you have done and for all that you will do.
In Jesus' name I pray,
I don't think you are weak when you doubt. I think you are human. I think it's natural. I think we are allowed to be human. It's how God made us. It's when we stay doubtful and when we don't trust in the Lord is when it becomes a problem. That is when it starts to affect you.
I have been thinking a lot lately. I told you about my friend. He's so funny. He's had such an affect on me. I have really grown in myself. It's nice that he notices my self-confidence. It makes me feel like I'm walking the walk that I've always wanted to walk.
Now, if I could do that without him.
I really miss you... all the time. You tend to always be on my mind. I cannot wait until I see you again, either. And yes, I am trying to focus on only productive things and not get down on myself about things I really don’t have much control about.
I am slowly learning how to share parts of myself with people. You are one of the few friends that I have that doesn't really allow me to hide. So here is something that I will tell you, that I've never told anyone.
I'm only telling you so that I can figure it all out.
So, he gave me a look. You know, that look that only a guy can give a girl. That kind of look that just says it all---with no words I know that he likes me. I'm all he thinks about. It's the slightly tense angle of his eyes, always accompanied by a half grin. It felt like forever that he was looking. I knew he was waiting for me to look up. Waiting to "accidentally" catch my glance. Yeah, that is the look he gave me. I tried to talk myself out of it. In fact, I'm still trying to talk myself out of it.
It's not working.
The worse part? I gave him that look. You know, that look that only a girl can give back when she means it.
I meant it.
This could mean so many things. I could be thinking about it way too much. I could be reading so much into this. It could all be in my head. This would be ideal.
I can't really get myself to think of what it means if it's the alternative of those.
I'll just wait to hear what you think. Your insight would be greatly appreciated.
Well friend, I guess it's time to end this letter. I look so forward to hearing from you. Please let me know what you think.
Take care of yourself! Don't give up!! I really do believe in you. You can do it!!
Current weight: 209 lbs
Workout song: Loca (ft. El Cata) by Shakira