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Saturday, February 26, 2011

A Letter

Hi,

I know that it has been a while since I've last seen or heard from you. I really appreciate the email you sent me. It's so nice to hear from you and I must say that time is treating you well.  It must be hard where you are. But we have to remember that God has a plan for us all. If we follow and listen to him then we are where we are supposed to be. He will bless you, but that comes with patience and time. I know, easier than said than done, huh?

I think we all doubt ourselves sometimes. I know that I do. There are days that I wake up and I just feel like I can't do anything right. That I'm not supposed to be here. That I didn’t listen to God and I'm just lost in myself trying to do what I want.

Change, in any form is difficult. No one ever looked you in the eye and said "this new journey will be easy and you'll do everything right." If they did they lied. As humans we have a natural reaction to resist change. I think that's what's happening to you now.

There was a point in my life where I looked at myself in the mirror and I felt helpless. I looked at myself and said "This is as good as it gets".  I will always be this lost person, unsure and insecure.

I've learned that when I feel that way to pray the following:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Be with me. Lead me. Take me to your will. Comfort me in my struggles. Ease my worries. Ease me, Lord.  I am trusting you in all that I do. I am trusting you with all my heart. My faith is in you. I am leaning on you. Lord, show me your will for me. Show me, Father. You will provide and you take care of me. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for all that you have done and for all that you will do.

In Jesus' name I pray,

Amen.

I don't think you are weak when you doubt. I think you are human. I think it's natural. I think we are allowed to be human. It's how God made us. It's when we stay doubtful and when we don't trust in the Lord is when it becomes a problem. That is when it starts to affect you.

I have been thinking a lot lately. I told you about my friend. He's so funny. He's had such an affect on me. I have really grown in myself. It's nice that he notices my self-confidence. It makes me feel like I'm walking the walk that I've always wanted to walk.

Now, if I could do that without him.

I really miss you... all the time. You tend to always be on my mind. I cannot wait until I see you again, either. And yes, I am trying to focus on only productive things and not get down on myself about things I really don’t have much control about. 

I am slowly learning how to share parts of myself with people. You are one of the few friends that I have that doesn't really allow me to hide. So here is something that I will tell you, that I've never told anyone.

I'm only telling you so that I can figure it all out.

So, he gave me a look. You know, that look that only a guy can give a girl. That kind of look that just says it all---with no words I know that he likes me. I'm all he thinks about. It's the slightly tense angle of his eyes, always accompanied by a half grin. It felt like forever that he was looking. I knew he was waiting for me to look up. Waiting to "accidentally" catch my glance. Yeah, that is the look he gave me. I tried to talk myself out of it. In fact, I'm still trying to talk myself out of it.

It's not working.

The worse part? I gave him that look. You know, that look that only a girl can give back when she means it.

I meant it.

Damn.

This could mean so many things. I could be thinking about it way too much. I could be reading so much into this. It could all be in my head. This would be ideal.

I can't really get myself to think of what it means if it's the alternative of those.

I'll just wait to hear what you think. Your insight would be greatly appreciated.

Well friend, I guess it's time to end this letter. I look so forward to hearing from you. Please let me know what you think.

Take care of yourself! Don't give up!! I really do believe in you. You can do it!!

Love always,

Me

Current weight: 209 lbs
Workout song: Loca (ft. El Cata) by Shakira

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Every little bit counts.

I don't think I've been giving myself enough credit lately. I usually can't see the change in myself. It's only baby steps, but I've been working pretty hard. Let's see what I look like in another 5 weeks :)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I'm Amazing Just the Way I am.

I'm a sucker for pop culture. No. Really, I am.

I once wrote a blog on the Bruno Mars' song Just The Way You Are and how I literally started to cry. It wasn't just simple tears-down-the-cheeks-crying but rather sobbing-uncontrollably-crying, and either way I was crying. 

It wasn't the crying that bothered me, it was that I wasn't really sure why I was crying. I blamed it mostly on the fact that I am a girl and get that way sometimes. Embarrassing, I know. But it happens.

SECRET SPOILER ON MY LIFE>>>>

I only remember it now because of a recent occurrence in my life. I was talking to a guy for a while. He really liked me and I liked him. He was 5 years older than me and had broken off an engagement. He was fairly settled in life as a teacher and seemed content with himself and where he was going, despite what had happened with his ex. He never really pressured me about being in a relationship but did wonder why it was so hard for me to talk about it. One day I literally had a "I can't breathe get me some air" panic attack. 

I ended things (maybe prematurely) and I'm trying to figure out why.

I have always thought of myself as more of an independent. I am not ready for a relationship (true) and I want to figure myself out a little more (whatever that means).

But something about that song gets to me. I started to picture someone, not necessarily anyone specific, but someone saying all these things to me and it made a knot form in the pit of my stomach. Just thinking that someone would think that I was perfect just the way I am and telling me in such an eloquent ballad was a heavy thought and I started to cry. It's beyond cheesy and cliche, I know, but it's the fact that I didn't really mind. As a matter of fact, I liked the idea.

Does that mean something?

I am not freaking out.

It's just that I am thinking about it… and this Bruno Mars song didn't help. Reading Twilight, all I wanted was an Edward and by New Moon all I wanted was a Jacob. I used to think that I could live happily alone and unattached, but after watching No Strings Attached,  I don't know that anymore.

All these things have added up and I have started to use my weight as an excuse not to date. Blah blah, I need to feel comfortable with myself, blah blah. Truth is it's all an excuse. My weight should have nothing to do with why I do or don’t date.

 So why am I not dating??  I have to ask  myself the big question "Am I an idealist or a realist".

I have always felt there are two kinds of guys in my life. The ones that I want but like me only as a friend and those that I don't want but want me. Waiting around for Mr. Right is something that I would never do. I think. But now that I am listening to this song I realize how many guys have I rejected because they weren't this or that? How many times did I not consider a relationship because he didn't go to school or he didn't have a certain job OR he's spoiled OR weird. My biggest fear used to be that I would end up settling for a guy I didn’t really like, that he would just be a suitable guy and that I would be ok with waiting to see if the spark developed. People do it all the time.

I tried to talk about it with my best friend. He said that I made settling down sound like such a bad thing. He said someone who does that could be happy for the rest of their life and there is nothing wrong with that. He said I made relationships sound like a death sentence, skipping steps jumping into the serious and that is not what relationships are always about. Some times it's about learning about yourself and trying to find what you can and can't live with.

SO, do I settle for that guy that doesn't bring a spark in my eye because he just happens to be a nice guy that thinks I fit??

Here is what I realized throughout my journey so far:

I AM AFRAID. They say it never hurts as bad as the first time. I've also realized this comes along because, knowingly or unknowingly you put up walls and barriers. These keep you from ever really putting yourself in the position of being hurt. To be honest I have only ever been hurt once, but it shook me pretty badly. Maybe this is why I'm 22 and I find myself "off" of love. This is fear nonetheless.

I THINK TOO MUCH. The fact that I wrote this blog says it all. But how many times do we over think things? This can keep you from reaching goals and just living life. You can't control life. It just happens. Just letting it happen can sometimes end up horribly, but sometimes it also works out in your favor. If you don't let it happen you may end up ending things too soon.

I OVER ANALYZE. I don't know what God has for me. There is nothing wrong with me wanting to have some kind of romantic notion, but simply put THERE IS NO UNDERLYING MESSAGE IN EVERY THING HE SAYS.   

I AM FRUSTRATED. I want so many things out of life. But I am finally reaching that brink of idealism versus that stupid realism. I hate my job. I know what you're thinking…who doesn’t? But there are a lot of people who don’t. I have to decide what I want to do with my life at 22. Because if I go down this career woman path (financially appealing) this inevitably means that a family of my own and a relationship will be significantly further out of reach. OR do I want to settle into a cozy little life, with a husband and kids?? It's weird but I realize I should think about these things.

My dad has been giving me some great advice lately. Weird, parents really do get smarter as you get older. He told me this story.

There was this little girl who when she was 9 read a magazine. It was a Christian magazine and there was a picture of a little boy. He was the son of missionaries and something about this little boy moved her.

She didn't know his name or anything about him, all she had was the picture and from that day on she prayed for him.

As she grew up she did well in school and got into a Christian college. Still she prayed for the little boy.

She met a boyfriend and eventually got married and even then she prayed for the little boy.

When she and her husband went to her in-laws to help clean out the garage she came across this magazine that they had kept.

She asked why they kept it and turned the pages.

It was the same magazine that had the picture of the little boy she prayed for all those years.

Her husband turned to her and said you know my parents are missionaries. That little boy is me.

As tears filled her eyes she said "I didn't know this was you".

As she told him the story she realized the little boy she prayed for her whole life had been the very man she married.

My dad said "God does things for us and brings people into our lives. It's up to us to not be afraid and to let things happen. We can't over think or over analyze. We have to just trust that God knows what he's doing. We don't judge people and we don't put stipulations on everything. Every person in your life may be there for you to help or for them to help you. We don't know. So quit worrying. Let life happen. Just live."

Songs like this, books like Twilight and even those stupid airports (where you have to walk down long terminals with Christmas music blaring over the intercom, knowing the love of your life isn't picking you up or missing you but rather your little brother is there to get your bag and you're dad is waiting outside in the car) make you realize maybe you're just lonely and afraid of what is really waiting for you. And no matter the state of your career or your weight your fear is an excuse.

I am perfect the way I am and I really believe that.

I rejected the idea of loosing weight for a guy and know it's to my health and the person that I want to be.

 Is it wrong for me to believe there truly is someone out there for everyone and that if I am more open and realistic with myself and the world that I increase the chances of finding him?

I don't think so.
Current Weight: 210 lbs
Workout Song: Bruno Mars, Just the Way You Are

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Show Must Go On...

I apologize that it has been some time since I last updated. I do have a commitment to this, but some times other things come first.

Many of you know that my family has been going through a lot, these past few weeks. My little sister (according to the doctors) was diagnosed with digestive disease. She had a hospital stay and now has a new diet with medicines and I have stepped up to help out. Which includes early mornings and late nights. Fortunately I have the routine down. We're a strong family so all will be well. AND might I add my little sister is a champ. She never complained!!

So what has dieting looked like these past weeks? WELL…not so great. I still am better than before. But I felt less constrained when eating out. I have less time to head to the gym. This is life. Regular life. Stuff comes up and you have to adjust. I still did my sit up and pushup routine for the morning and night. I still ran when I could. This warm weather is making me want to get outside and try out these hot pink running shoes. SO, I have not lost anymore weight, but I didn't gain any. Which some times surprises me.

I am back in it. The storm has  calmed down and I have my routine back. Fellow gym mates should be ready for the return of Selina!

I will be posting a few blogs today, I had been working on them I just needed time to really focus and edit :)

If you're still working on your 2 miles it's time to bump up the time.

MWFS Run 3 min Walk 1 min
TTh Walk 30 min
Sunday REST

Current weight: 211 lbs
Workout Song: Matisyahu-King Without a Crown

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

You've got to say, I think that if I keep working at this and want it badly enough I can have it. It's called perseverance.


Getting motivated.

About 5 minutes before I have to work out I ALWAYS try to convince myself I don't want to nor do I need to workout. In fact, this weekend I did not workout at all. I ate at Tom Fooleries, queso dip and all. And then it was Super Bowl Sunday. Def not gonna work out on Super Bowl Sunday. I dabbled in the chicken wings and egg rolls. So let's put it this way, the diet was "postponed".

But see there is something that I realized. My diet is a lot like life. You have some good days and you have some bad days, but it goes on. You just have to hope that there will be more good days than not. I do NOT feel guilty about not eating to the best of my healthy ability. It's not like I'm on some reality TV show where my weight loss has a time limit.  Even though those shows do motivate me (I Used to be Fat, Biggest Loser, Heavy- LOVE THEM). But I'm doing this for life. If I let myself get all broken up every time I eat a chicken wing then I will end up shattered a lot.

I did, however, hit it at the gym pretty hard yesterday. Took my little sister Lexie with me. She was like "Dang, Nina I didn't know you could run like that". That made me feel good. Did all my weights that I hadn't been able to do since the 'Blizzard of 2011'. And you know what? Despite my diet this weekend, I FELT STRONG. I could have done a few more miles on that tread mill. I bumped up all my weights by 10 lbs.

I am strong.

There are many of you will understand my struggle and many of you who won't. So let me assure you for those who don't, IT'S A STRUGGLE. But for those of you that do, maybe it's time we just embrace the pain and go through with it. I am the only one who can control my life. I make my own decisions. I am finally doing something about my weight and my confidence is higher than it has ever been.

See instead of seeing working out and being healthy as an option I've made it my responsibility. It's like a test. If I don't study for my test I won't do well. If I don't eat right and workout I won't reach my goal. I am the only one responsible for me. It is no longer an option.

 You know how easy it is to wake up and do 100 sit ups? Or right after lunch OR instead of checking facebook a bazillion times you take a study break to do something physical. The younger you are and the sooner you decide for yourself to do this right the easier it is. I remember being 18 and loosing weight so easily, I just never stuck to it and I made up all the excuses in the world. But now, at 22, I'm feeling it a little more and it's harder. But the beauty of it all?

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.

On the track to 2 miles
Week 2:
Mon, Wed, Fri, and Sat- Run 2 min Walk 1 min 10X
Tues/Thurs-Walk Easy 30 min
Sun- Rest

Current weight: 212 lbs
Workout Track: Shakira, Waka Waka (Trust me. THIS PUMPS YOU UP)

Friday, February 4, 2011

You Must Do the Thing You Think You Cannot Do...

So I didn't actually think anyone would read my blog. About ten minutes after my first post I had some people email me and tell me how proud they were of me and that they would be there to support me. I have never been more motivated!!

Losing weight, like any challenge in life is facing a reality. I am fat and I got this way in a very unhealthy manner. It's so much easier to be fat and stay fat than it is to lose weight and stay healthy. But when you take out the excuses, what do you have left?

I have been doing something lately that I haven't done in a while.


I am looking at myself in the mirror.

I look at myself and I see all the pretty things about myself. I have really long eyelashes. My  lips are really full. I take time to really look at myself and all the things that I do like.

This isn't so that you become full of yourself, it's so that you learn to love yourself. Notice these things and EMBRACE them. Once you start to really love yourself you will want to take care of yourself. Do this for you, not to get a boyfriend or to get someone to like you, DO NOT DO THIS TO PLEASE PEOPLE. Because honestly, people who love themselves take care of themselves.

The hardest thing for me at the beginning was the dreaded walk of the treadmill. I thought I would look so fat. Everyone around me could run for so long and I, I could not even run for a minute. And on top of that minute was like a ten minute recuperating process. I was not just embarrassed, I was ashamed.

But one day I stepped on the treadmill and I realized what does it matter what they think?

They're working out, just like me. They're taking care of themselves, just like me. They are NOT here to see the fat girl try and run and I'm not at the gym for them. I'm there for me. As you grow stronger physically, you grow stronger emotionally. It doesn't seem that way at first and I have been in and out of the gym for years because of this very thing. But it gets better, it always gets better.

Realize, it's hard. It's going to be hard. But you have to push pass the hard. If you only walk 30, 20, even just 10 minutes it will make a difference.

To build up to running 2 miles:
Run 1 min and walk 2 miles 10 times (Mon, Wed, Fri, and Sat)
Walk 30 minutes easy (Tue, Thurs)
Rest (Sun)

Just do this until you feel comfortable. It gets easier over time, TRUST ME.

You always have time to catch your breath.

Current weight: 211
Workout song of the day: Papa Roach- To Be Loved, Last Resort


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Be Your Own Beautiful

So here is to me laying it all out on the line…

Three weeks ago I made a decision. I decided I was done being the person that I am. By that I mean I was done being an unhappy, confused and lost girl who didn't feel very pretty or smart.

On top of it all there are two things that I am very self-conscious about: my weight and my intelligence.

I know, you're not supposed to admit things like this. When you're someone like me, who grew up in a happy home, with parents who always told me that I was pretty and smart, you're not supposed to think this way. But the truth is I do.

 At least I did.

Well, one day I stepped on the scale and it said 225. I  took a long hard look in the mirror and I asked myself "How did you let it get this far?" I needed to understand, but I just couldn't. In high school I thought I was so fat. I weighed 170 lbs (10 lbs over from my healthy goal weight). I look at those pictures now and I realize I looked good. Why did I feel fat??

I was an emotional eater. My whole family is. We don’t have a lot of money, so to show that we cared we fed our love. Our family treat? Going out to dinner. Doing something fun together? Getting something to eat. Everything surrounded food. I know that I have always had a healthy appetite and it's not going away anytime soon, but come on Selina, YOU HAVE GOT TO CONTROL IT.

So I did what I do best. I researched and I investigated. I am testing my body in workouts. I work out about 5 times a week. I have completely changed my eating habits. Lots of greens, yogurt and oatmeal. I finally understand what a complex carb is and how many calories are really in a plate of Chinese food. Understanding and knowing. Those are two important keys to success.

It's not a magic ticket. It's hard and I HATE WORKING OUT. But there is no other way. There are no shortcuts. I want to be a better me and I am going to have to fight my biggest enemy: ME.

There are three things that I know now that I didn't before. I am strong (physically). I can push myself to do things I always said I couldn't. I'm not running 5 miles yet, but I will get there.

I have support. I have stopped eating dinner with my family and no one is bugging me about it. My parents, when they go to the store, they buy me yogurt and chose the healthier food options. I make my dad drive me to the gym so he'll work out with me. I encourage my mom to walk on the treadmill for at least 20 mins. These are all baby steps but they are also BIG steps for my family. I have two friends that I talk to three times a week. We meet to work out and we share a healthy snack. We're not afraid to tell each other how we feel about being fat, because we understand each other.

Also, I cheat. If there is something that I really want I eat it. Just a nibble or so. But this will keep me from overeating later.

I am going to succeed.


P.S. I stepped on the scale this morning. Current weight: 212 lbs